I was talking to my friend the other day about Christianity. More specifically, we were discussing the difficulties of a relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian. I was quite curious why a Christian would experience cognitive dissonance when dating a non-Christian, while a non-Christian would not feel the same anxiety dating a Christian.
The explanation is that the relationship with God is something incredibly fulfilling. Something most people want to share with their significant other. They anticipate their significant other's acceptance of God so that they can spend their lives together being loved by God.
In the situation of missionary work, a couple can go abroad together. They could have the same altruistic reasons for going. They could be doing the same things together. But when the Christians get together for morning prayer, for example, and if the significant other isn't apart of that, it is like a chasm in the relationship between them.
I was discussing the abnormal anxiety a Christian experiences while dating a non-Christian with my friend, Phil. Although I don't fully agree with the explanation of the Christian side of the experience, I kind of understand their reasoning. Phil, on the other hand, didn't get it at all. But then I came up with the perfect analogy. God is like the UFC.
Phil discovered the UFC three years ago. Considering his martial arts background and general violent nature, he fell in love with the sport. Since that moment, he spent an incredible amount of time trying to get me into the sport. Even though, I kept telling him I was bored out of my mind and I wanted him to stop, he would not refrain from describing, for hours, how fights unfolded. Phil's ultimate goal was to share the beauty of UFC and to experience it with his best friend, which is parallel to what a Christian experiences.
With the help of this analogy, Phil finally understood the Christian's side of the argument. The analogy made it clearer for me, as well. But I'm still curious if there's a formula for success between a Christian and a non-Christian. Well, of course there is because my good friend, a Christian, recently married a non-Christian. What makes them successful? Is it just personality, or is there something more?
Hehe, I was reading and thinking "I need to find a way to respond to this!". Then I noticed there's an indirect question for us planted at the end... :)
ReplyDeleteOne big help is that our beliefs are not too dissimilar. There are differences in our beliefs, but they are perhaps like the differences between UFC and boxing. UFC is much more free-form than boxing, but ultimately both sports are two grown men beating the crap out of each other. My Deism is more free-form than Christianity, but ultimately both faiths are about acknowledging the love of a higher being and deriving a purpose from that love. As a result, Emily and I tend to conclude the same things. For example, we both strongly feel our purpose in life is to help others (not that we always live up to this...).
We have also made an explicit effort to stay in touch with the details of each other's faith. I attend Emily's church and Christian small-groups for this reason. After the services, Emily and I discuss the sermon and some of my faith is necessarily exposed to her. We do not ignore each other's faiths. I feel that ignoring it would be disastrous, as we would be unable to communicate our reasoning for things. A Christian couple have a rich and shared understanding of their purpose in life. Emily and I must work at achieving the same.
Early on, we also accepted each other's faith as a permanent fact. We don't try to convert each other. We see value in both of our approaches to God.
So the answer I think is: it's not personality. We can do this because we have a shared set of values, and we take the time to maintain an understanding of each other's beliefs.
It's for sure not personality. I believe that personality is probably the smallest part of any working relationship. Usually people are decent/nice... esp to someone they like. (unless it's a screwed up relationship or something)
ReplyDeleteBeing with someone will succeed if it's more on a value/outlook level. Every choice made as a couple or individually reflects how you see the world. Therefore, to have harmony in life's choices with your significant other, you have similar outlooks.
I would warn against same outlooks though... be with someone who gives you a fuller look at life. You paint a picture of the world in your mind, the SO should fill in the blanks so you get a complete picture of the world - well more complete than when you started.
I recently came to be aware of UFC through Chris and some of our work friends. They hold UFC nights at each other's places, and I tag along. No one ever asks me to watch it. While I keep busy with other things, I catch glimpses of sweaty men pounding the snot out of each other and hear bits of the guys' reactions to the fights. I eventually learned that there are various techniques and actual strategy to taking down one's opponent. I'm not a complete fan of UFC, but I can appreciate why people get into it.
ReplyDeleteI think that's the same with Christianity for me. Just about everything I learn about it, I learned indirectly or by asking (or looking things up).
I think that a curious non-Christian may become more open to Christian beliefs with a patient Christian partner. However, I agree with Peter in that it's much easier if the two share the same set of core values. Each has to want to understand the other's beliefs, take part in each other's rituals, etc.
Easier and better are quite different. While it may be easier to be with someone with the same set of core values, it might not be ideal/better for your own personal growth.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, it seems to me that for more people, faith (or lack thereof) doesn't become a big issue until later in the relationship. This obviously depends on how you met, how you interact and what you discuss as the relationship progresses. In my own mind, it's only when you're looking at spending your lives together "forever" that faith becomes a true "issue".
Personally, I was raised Roman Catholic from birth and was an avid believer and follower up until I just started high school. It started to wane then, though that could arguably be thanks to teenage-angst or whatever you want to call it. I attend rallies, youth groups, bible discussions, sang my heart out for various choral groups and played piano at certain church services.
I am now, at 24, fully Atheist. I dislike the effects the Church seems to have on so many of its followers and as such, I would assume that I would not be able to marry a devout Christian. This, however, depends on their specific denomination. "Christian" is a catch-all phrase that people use and is good when referring to believers in general, though this often mistakenly emcompasses those who believe in God, but not that Jesus Christ was resurrected, etc. etc. Where am I going with this? I'll remember in a sec...
Right. Certain denominations, such as Lutheran and Protestan, I have an easier time tolerating. I don't want it to sound like I'm anti-{enter religion name}. I'm anti-sheep. I don't like people who blindly follow a faith. I especially dislike hypocrites.
So I would personally be able to be in a serious relationship with a lazy-Christian, but you can bet your ass we would constantly be having debates, discussions and likely be trying to convert eachother. Fortunately, I love having debates and discussions, so I guess it would add positively to the relationship :)
As a sidenote, which was actually the real reason I came to comment...
UFC is not a sport. MMA is a sport. UFC is a terrible organization that hosts and promotes MMA fights.
That is all.
Your last statement drips of Adam's commentary. UFC, no matter how hard you argue, has some of (I agree, not all) the world's best talent locked up. UFC has generates so much money, it can keep the sport alive while, if it was left to other promotions, the sport would whither away into obscurity.
ReplyDeleteUFC, in North America, at least, is synonymous with MMA. That's not my opinion, it's a fact. Don't even try to argue.
Back to the more important topic. I'm very encouraging of my friend's religious beliefs. I'm proud my friends are avid church goers and participate in community church events like leading worship and participating in small groups. I even make my friends say grace aloud before we eat.
ReplyDeleteBut I find it very weird that it doesn't go the other way. No one encourages my lack of faith, which I feel can be someone's belief. No one says, "Yeah! Don't go to church, buddy. I still respect you!"
I told someone that if the woman I loved were religious, I would go to church every Sunday with her, even if I did not have faith. I am saddened that I would not get the offer that my significant other would stay home with me every Sunday to be with me.